have a little faith in me

alright, i know it's been quite a while. this past semester has been killer. there really hasn't been enough time in the day to get done what i need to get done, so the blog hasn't been my biggest concern. i talked with some friends who have gone through the education program at my school before, and they have assured me that the next semester (which is my student teaching) will be easier than this past one. so i've got that going for me, which is nice.

i just got back from a trip to chicago. this was my first time in the city, and it was amazing. i was there for a music educators convention, and it was amazingly educational, inspirational, and just plain fun. it was really great timing, since after this past semester did everything to ruin my optimism about my future career, this convention comes around to lift me back up. i'm really happy that i went. highlights include lectures by weston noble (who is one of the most respected music pedagogs today and who coincidentally called a woman in the crowd retarded) and jamey aebersold (one of the top jazz theorists today, and a really funny guy) and many concerts, including the chicago symphony orchestra playing berlioz's "symphonie fantastique". it was amazing, one of the best experiences of my life. i really wish i had been able to go the past 3 years now.

i'm student teaching next semester, which will be fun. my cooperating teacher this last semester was a psycho bitch, which is actually toning down how i usually talk about her. i'm really looking forward to working with a sane person for a change, and apparently the music program at this school is really good. i'm also performing my senior recital on january 25th, which is open to the public, so if anybody happens to be in my town (unlikely) you are more than welcome to attend.

that's about it for the updates. i'll try to be a bit more consistent in the future. happy holidays.

back to school

so, i've moved back to my college town. first off, it's kinda boring, although i did just run into the RA group and got lots of hugs and such, which was fun. but the town is kinda dead. most of my friends aren't here yet or if they are they are busy, so i'm mostly left to sit around and watch tv. i need a wireless modem for my computer so that i can get internet access in my apartment, so i am doomed to walk to campus if i want to use the library computers (like i am now). i already ordered one, i just have to wait a little while until it comes.

i'm feeling a little nervous about this school year. that usually doesn't happen. i think it's because it's my last year, and if i screw something up i don't have much of a buffer zone to make it up. before this, if i needed to make up a class or something, there was always next year. but this year it's now or never. i guess that has my nerves up a little bit.

a few more idea-careers that i've thought about:
1) camera man, minnesota twins: what could be better than getting paid to watch the twins? and camera operator would easily be more appreciated than being an umpire.

2) research and development, dungeons and dragons: alright, i'm a nerd. but this would be a fun job. i've been reading the blogs and articles written by the guys who already have this job, and it seems like (aside from having really long days) they mostly get paid to sitting around playing d&d, plus they have access to new products before they are released and get a ton of free shit. this would be extremely fun, if slightly self-indulgent.

3) music journalist: taking a page from mr. rob gordon of the movie "hi-fidelity" on this one. this job combines two of the things that i am best at: listening to music and complaining about music (ok, maybe it's not that simple, but it's gotta be close). touring with bands, discovering new music, yeah, i think i'd like this one.

i think that's about it.

foolishness came by and when downtown

god damn it, i have to write on here more often. maybe it should be a once-a-day thing...

alright, i get the sneaking suspicion that my last post was somewhat like this one (i'm too lazy to look back at it), but i feel good today. i was at work, doing some tedious shit as always, and i just got a good smile. i was wide awake even though it was 6 in the morning, i was listening to my music, and i just realized how good i've got it, and that i have to realize that more often. i like where i'm at, and i've gotta stop feeling like i need to do more of this and more of that. i thought to myself that i could probably die today, and i wouldn't have many regrets about my life. i've been places, i've achieved...achievements, and i've lived my life trying to be as good a person as i can be. i feel like i am thoroughly satisfied with where i'm at in my life.

that being said, i'm gonna go in the opposite direction and state a few jobs i think would be cool to have (just because i've been thinking about it a lot).

professional caddy: don't ask me why, but i love lugging around a huge golf bag. honestly, to be payed to walk around and watch some of the greatest golfers in the world would be amazing.

dj: i liked dj-ing my residence hall's dance this past year. i forgot how fun it is. to use someone else's music in my own way just seems too perfect for me. i need more dance music...

pool hustler: it's a dangerous job, and one that revolves around lying and provoking people to pretty much hand you their money. regardless, i think it'd be fun to just hop on a motorcycle and hit the road, earning my fare as i go.

quantum physicist: this one is pretty self explanatory. (only thought of this one after an interesting discussion at work)

and i had more, but can't really think of them. anyway, i still think i'm gonna love teaching, but regardless...i like these ideas too. yeah...

how tommy got his groove back

yes, i almost used my actual name for that title on accident. although i'm pretty sure that the only people who read this know who writes it, i still prefer to remain anonymous simple because i want to invite other people to get to know me without knowing who is really writting. by the way, if anyone aside from my two "fav bloggers" off to the side reads this, feel free to holla at me, i'd love to know who's reading.

i've been trying to get my shit together (hence the title). i've wanted to lose some weight for a while, and so i went to the mall and bought some "running" shoes (i'm still not really sure if they're meant for running, but they work damn well for it). so far, i've been running every day, except for the weekend, and i don't anticipate running tomorrow since i'm gonna be golfing and i don't wanna be sore for that. i'm liking the running thing. normally, i suck at running because it makes my asthma go crazy, and that's not gonna go away any time fast. but i'm pushing myself, and i hope to be able to running three miles at a decent pace by the end of the summer. i also hope to drop two inches (at least) from my waistline (i have give up on losing weight since i am destined to be a big guy, so i'm just trying to get skinnier and gain muscle...again).

my next goal is to start practicing my music for at least an hour a day again. during the school year i usually practice 2+ hours, but i'm gonna start with one hour which honestly will never be near where i stop; once you get going with the music you just gotta keep on going. i have been practicing my music, but not nearly as much as i should. my goal is to get an early start now and get comfortable with my music for my senior recital (which is 40 minutes worth of music).

so, to recap, i get home from work at about 2:30 in the afternoon. i run for half an hour, then i'll shower, practice for an hour (or more) eat dinner and i have time in the evening to hang with friends. the problem with the friends thing is that some different hours then me (ok, the vast majority work different hours then me, since no one likes going to work at 6 am). i really want to spend some quality time with the guys (and girls) but sometimes it's difficult. i'm also craving a party sometime real soon.

oh, and yeah, i got a venus flytrap today. i've named it furious george.

sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year

so, i know it's been a while (as most of the people whose blogs i actually read have been seeming to say lately). summer has been fun so far, but it's been crazy busy, so much so that i barely have time to catch my breath. so far i've hung out with friends, played a few rounds of golf, tuned most of my drum set to what i want it at, and just in general been running around like a 6th grader. that coupled with the fact that i have to share my families computer with my sisters makes it difficult for me to sit down and vent to you lovely people.

sorry to start off a blog on a depressing note, but it this is the reason why i'm hear anyway, so i don't care. the other day i was at work (as a maintenance worker at a local golf course) when my boss asked if it would be ok for me to be bumped up from my regular position of odd jobs (which pays about $10 an hour) to mow some of the course for a day (which pays about $15 an hour, this is a position i am qualified for but have not been permanently promoted to because of my status as a college student and the months that i am not at work because i'm too busy studying). obviously i accepted, and the day consisted of me driving around the edges of the golf course on a rather clumsy mower and listening to such musical geniuses as cake, alkaline trio, and death cab for cutie (7 albums covered the day for me).

as i was mowing along, i started to think of my present girlfriend. i like her, but i'm not sure if i can fulfill what she needs. she calls me and i'm busy or asleep or something. in fact i think we've only had 2 conversations on the phone since we left school. she was in town last tuesday, staying for a night in a hotel so that she could catch a plane for where she's going to be working for the summer (veeery far away, that's all i'll i need to say). we met, got some dinner, walked around the mall for a while, which was nice, but at one point she made a statement that i should come visit her sometime this summer. i don't know if she was joking or not...but i laughed. it would cost a lot for me to go out there (which i don't think she realizes all to well) and we haven't been together long enough for me to feel obligated to do so. i had pretty much already made up my mind before she had even asked: no, i will not visit her as long as she is further than a 3 hour drive from me, which i don't think is all that unreasonable.

all in all, the issue i wanted to bring up is that i don't know if i am who she wants (or needs) me to be. she's fairly clingy, which is fine, but i don't want her to fell lonely or anything just because of me. however, one of my new policies is to not assume that i know what is best for others. maybe she's not crushed when i don't answer my phone (in fact, in all likelihood she isn't, but i like to exaggerate). the best i can do is hang in, and if she really has a problem with our situation, she can discuss it with me (and hope that she doesn't stumble across this blog).

i also got a chance to think about my previous relationship before this one and how i screwed it up. i was talking with my pal gringo while he was visiting my school about this relationship and said that i could not recall the real reason that we broke up (well, i know why i made the final call; she pushed me while we were having an argument, and any violence however small should not be tolerated in a relationship). gringo, in his very sage-like way, said that even though i don't remember the reason, there was a reason there when we broke up.

i think i have realized the real reason, though: i was only half-committed to the relationship. she was a rebound, no matter how much i didn't want her to be. the summer before i came to college, i broke up with the girl i had been together for over 2 years. she had found someone else and didn't want to admit it, so i made the call and broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she had already slept with the other guy. but i figured there's plenty of fish in the sea, and that's what college is for anyway: drinking and getting laid (completely forgetting that i am not the one-night-stand kinda guy). i went off to college, and after many failed attempts at finding a girl, i found one in february. she was just as nerdy as me, mostly into good music, and very attractive. now i can look back and see that i was always comparing her to my high school relationship, that i just went along with it when she said that we should stay together through the summer, and that i didn't really respect her as much as i should have. this is why i was so ready to break up with her; i was never really attached. it's taking me about a year and a half to realize that i was happier with her than i really believed, and if i had just gotten over my high school relationship sooner i maybe could have stayed with something good.

i just hope i'm not setting myself up for more disasters. i'll post more when i can.

News

Here's so new things that have come into my life.

new haircut:
my friends and I have a little video scavenger hunt every year, which pretty much consists of us do stupid shit on camera (such as breaking broomsticks over each other's backs, getting a phone number from a member of the opposite sex, eating a pizza in less then ten minutes, etc.) for a designated point value for each of the tasks, with the winning team being the one with the most points (and the least shame). this year, i decided i'd shave my head (35 points) for my team. the results: good. i don't look as goofy as i expected, and it's really low-maintenance (short showers rock). so i think i'm gonna stick with it for a while. yes, friends who read this, i'll have photos on facebook soon so you can judge how it looks for yourselves.

new music:
i've finally download two complete collections from two musicians that i have admired for a long time: stevie wonder and joni mitchell. i've been in love with joni since i first heard "the circle game" in the third grade, and i've loved stevie for i don't know how long (he tends to have that effect on people). the combined collections took over 5 gigs on my computer, which is a substantial-enough hit to my 200 gig hard drive, but it's worth it.

new girlfriend:
i've been seeing a girl for a bit now, and we're pretty much officially a couple, which is cool. i've been single for more than a year now, so it's about time that i find someone to make out and cuddle with. the two of us are kinda different, but that's cool in it's own way...yeah, don't have too much more to say on the subject...or anything else.

random thoughts that have come to mind recently

first of all, i have to continue on with my writing in all lower-case. it's something i did in high school (as a way to take the focus off of certain words, like "i" or in that case any other name, not that i don't like the people that i write about but i feel that there are more important things than our titles). plus, i'm too lazy to use a shift key (which just compromises my previous statements, but i'm too lazy to erase it).

i need to go out more often. i like going out and conversing with friends, whether it be through a drunken haze or in between bites of a good dinner. i like the parties where i'm at; they're small enough to feel intimate, but crazy enough to have me wake up in the morning and say, "well that was interesting."

i need more techno in my music collection. well, to state it honestly: i need techno in my music collection. my punk-rock is strong as every, hip-hop is moving pretty strongly and my jazz is very respectable, but i've really been in the mood for something dance-able, and i don't even dance. if anyone has any suggestions for solid artists, feel free to let me know. i'm also considering asking for some CDs from one of my professors who was a techno dj in germany (and i know CDs breaks my no-caps rule but i'm sorry, cds just looks weird, like a grocery store name or a std).

i need to practice more music. and i know, i'm busy already and i work hard, but i keep feeling like i suck when i go to practice. my problem, as i see it, is not that i suck, but that i could be so much better if i just tried harder. and part of that is that my university's jazz festival was this weekend and i went to a lecture by one of the guest artists (a very famous trumpet player) who talked about self-discipline, and it really got me thinking that i could practice more. so that's a goal of mine.

The Real Me

so, i've come back home for spring break, which is a nice break. i get to relax, talk with my parents and my friends, and actually watch tv. Most importantly i get to play music on my terms, when i want to, what i want to (even though some of what i'm playing is assigned, it's still what i want to play). i haven't been able to do this in a while, and it's very nice. i friend of mine in the online-world recently told me during a discussion that when you start doing something you love for a living, it's hard to love it when it consumes you so much. hopefully, i will soon be able to enjoy my music even more and i can get back to the place that i used to be musically.

today i was bored, and i started an account on a social network for world of warcraft players (i know, nerdy AND sad, but it's a hobby). i was looking around on my computer for a photo to upload to my account (and pretty soon i'll have one on here too), but while i was stumbling through my files i found some of my old instant message conversations, and since i was bored i decided to read through some of them. one of the conversations that hit me the hardest was a conversation between me and a friend, who i suppose i will refer to as....erin (first girl name to come to mind after the fourth dot). now, erin and i used to talk all the time, about everything, and this conversation (which i will date roughly to october of 2003, based on the fight i described having with my girlfriend of the time) demonstrated our friendship quite well. we began talking about our sex lives, make some small talk about other things, and then go on to talk about troubles in our relationships. she was talking about some asshole who she was seeing at the time, and how he didn't really want a relationship but wanted to be fuck-buddies. i offered her advice, telling her to sit down and talk to him (which she said wouldn't help since they had already talked about it), asking if she wanted me to talk with him about it (even though, as creepy as it sounds, i had never met the guy before), and when all of these ideas were shot down i suggested that maybe he wasn't the right guy for her.

now, i came up with two important insights from that 4 and a half year-old conversation. one: that i used to be a much more social person and for some reason that has been lacking lately. i hope that i can make more time for my friends soon, and i am really sorry that i haven't been as active with my friends. two: that this friend is possibly the woman that i have really cared the most about, aside from my mother and my sisters. i know it sounds crazy, i just all of a sudden realized how much i care for someone. well, it's not like i never considered going out with her or anything, because i did. but i thought it was more of a sexual attraction sort of thing. she was very attractive and was far more outgoing than i was, so i deemed her as, "out of my league," even though i constantly told myself that she was hitting on me (which i still believe she was). now, more than anything, i realize that i want to talk with her more, even if it just means being friends. more than anything, i'd rather talk with her than anything else.

Surviving

Well, i've survived the first three weeks of class. I passed my jury and i was also accepted into my colleges education program, so i can graduate next year. And yes, i do put an emphasis on the word "can" in the last sentence because i realize that i still have another year in which i could mess things up if i'm not careful. But I am enjoying my victories as they come, which is part of the reason that i got drunk last night.

And I came to a pretty significant realization while i was stumbling around my friend's house. I am an RA, a Resident Adviser, at my campus. I have been an RA for two years now, but this year they put me in an upper classman residence hall, so i no longer have any freshman in my building. Recently, i've been slacking. Forgotten paperwork, putting off floor programs, and just being to busy to be around my residents. But I realized last night while i was in my alcohol-induced stupor that this isn't due to forgetfulness or bad organization or even just my busy lifestyle; it is because of apathy. I've come to just not really care about my job. My residents only enjoy about half the programs that i put on. No one needs advice about study habits or about how to deal with their roommate. I especially miss the livliness of the freshmen, who used to come to my door at 1 in the morning wondering if i wanted to watch a movie and eat pizza with them, or insisting on playing pool for 3 hours straight. This was pretty much my relaxation time. There is no excitement around here. I even sometimes find myself searching for a party going on in one of the dorm rooms, but it doesn't matter because half of the residents in my building are of legal age to drink, and the other half is smart enough not to drink in their rooms.

I think what i miss most is the challenges that the freshmen residents present. I remember counseling them through problems with their roommates or friends. I remember bringing a resident to the hospital when she cut her thumb so badly that she needed stitches. I am one who looks at a challenge as a chance to both prove myself and to learn something new. One night last year, an incident happened on my floor that i don't even feel comfortable speaking of on here, and i spent that whole night meeting with residents and just talking them through a hard time. I went to bed at 5am, and got two hours of sleep before class the next day. After something like that, i can look at myself in the mirror and although i am worn out and nearly in tears, i can at least think that it was all worth it, that my work as an RA matters. Nothing i have done this year has given me the opportunity to think that. And now i'm just apathetic.

Weeks from hell (aka: why I continue to hate my adviser)

So, last week was pretty shitty, and this week ain't looking so great either. I will explain.

Last week was the beginning of classes. No big deal, I really think that I'm going to enjoy my classes. But for one class our text books didn't get into the bookstore until Thursday, and since it was compiled by our professor, it's not available online or anything. So, Thursday I had my whole day planned out to allow time to pick up my book, but when I was going out to run a few errands, I discovered a flat tire on my truck. This wouldn't be so bad, but one of the lug nuts wouldn't budge, so I had to go to our Fleet Services to get a breaker bar to loosen it, and to get there I had to go pretty much as far across campus as possible from where I was. Some kid was kind enough to give me a ride up there and back, and when I got back I found that the socket they gave me didn't fit, so I had to hitch another ride from the kid to get back to Fleet Services, but then he had to leave. So I had to walk all the way across campus to get back to my truck again, and even when I got there it took me probably another 45 minutes to get the nut loose, making the time for this tire change a grand total of 2 hours, 17 minutes. I then had to go to class, skip buying my book, and by the time I got it on Monday I was a full chapter behind in the reading.

Then our band went on a retreat for the weekend. We usually have one retreat a year, which is in the fall, but our director decided that we should have two this year. I say that our director decided this because although it is supposed to be a decision made by the council, I only heard it brought up during a council meeting once, and then we didn't decide anything final on the subject. I was going to ditch out on the retreat, but since I am one of the few people on my enormously eco-friendly campus with the nerve to drive a truck, I got stuck hauling equipment. The retreat consisted of eight total hours of rehearsal being wasted on learning the music instead of rehearsing it, because we had only had our music for a total of 2 days, which is not enough time to learn any music, especially the music that a band as strong as ours plays. I did, however, have fun hanging out with friends and BS-ing the night away.

So, now it's this week. I have to perform a jury on Thursday. A jury is 20 minutes worth of music performed in front of our entire music faculty to determine whether or not the student is allowed to move on to advanced instrumental lessons (and ultimately if I can graduate this year). I had dropped off my forms for it with my advising professor last week, but when I talked with him about it today, he claimed that he had never gotten it. So, we work it out, and I'm set to do the jury on Thursday. The only exception that had to be made is that I have to do it at a later time: 9:30AM. Oh shit! I have my interview for our education program at 9:40. Math time: 9:30 + 20 minutes worth of music = 9:50. So, I run to our education office, and switch my interview time to 8:40 on Wednesday. This means that I have to get up early for the interview tomorrow, which requires an earlier bed time, which cuts out some of my practice time. Cutting out practice time can affect my performance on my FUCKING JURY! All this, plus I'm already way behind in my classes.

Sometimes, I just have to wonder if it's all worth it.

Her

So, New Orleans was pretty much great. We stayed right in the French Quarter, about 3 blocks from the infamous Bourbon Street, and it was pretty much a party all the time. We played 3 concerts, and I think I did fairly well for not rehearsing for a month and then pretty much sight-reading some of the music we played. I got to listen to some great music, eat some great food, and just have a good time. I love it there.

But I keep thinking about her. I've been waiting to ask a certain girl out for far too long, and I'm just scared to do it. I keep telling myself (as well as those who I've talked to about this) that I don't want to make things weird between the two of us. But I can't get her off of my mind. The nights that I was drinking in New Orleans I pretty much just ended up talking about her. And most of the times I was sober during my month-long break from school I ended up talking about her, too. I want to stop the talking and start the actual asking.

And last night I had a dream about her. Well, not exactly about her, but I believe that it was about her anyway. I dreamt that I met a girl from far away, and as she was leaving after spending quite a bit of time together, I got up the nerve to ask her out, which didn't do any good because she was going away. But I ended up giving her my number so that we could stay friends. Now, what this dream tells me is that I'm not really afraid of the rejection. Well, I am, but it is far outweighed by my desire to have someone to just be there. It also tells my that I feel that if I wait to long, it may be too late. So, I need to do this. I need to ask her.

I just need to see her first.

Basin Street is the street where the folks all meet....

So, I'm off for New Orleans tomorrow. My college's jazz ensembles are taking a near-week long trip to the land of jazz to play a few concerts. It'll be a grand time, I'm sure. We're staying in the French Quarter and playing 3 concerts in some pretty awesome locations, not to mention that I am now of legal age to drink and it's NEW FREAKIN' ORLEANS! I get to spend time with friends and relax before I head back for Spring Semester. Somehow, though, I'm feeling nervous.

See, within the first two weeks of next semester I have to perform for our music faculty to see if I can go on to advanced percussion lessons, and seeing as how I need two semesters of these lessons, I need to pass it this time or else I won't be able to graduate next year. While I know that an extra semester or two would reduce stress and I wouldn't mind spending extra time in college (since I love my college) I still don't like taking out loans and such. I keep stressing because I am not as prepared as I had hoped to be at this point, and with a week in New Orleans I won't be able to practice my solo music, meaning that's a week to forget all that I have practiced.

Some words of advice were giving to me by my mother today about this subject. She said that I shouldn't look so far into the future. This is what I need to keep thinking of. Everything has gone fine so far, and I'm sure I can get through this alive. All I know is that everything will work out somehow in the end, and this will be as it is meant to be. Nothing can stop me from fulfilling my goals, and I know it.

And so, I leave you, my faithful readers (if there are any out there, I'm not sure) for, most likely, a full week. There may be a point in my trip that I get to leave a post, in which case I will be sure to make it a good one, but more than likely it'll be a while.

And so it begins.

A wise friend told me that I should start keeping a blog. Although I like the idea of writing out all my memories and deepest reflections for the general public to read, I have never been able to keep a blog for very long. For some reason, after a while I lose interest and never leave another post (and I'm sure there are fragments of my ancient blogs still floating around on the internet). But I have realized that it is quiet healthy for me to keep a blog and I find it intriguing to entertain strangers with my thoughts and so I have created yet another (probably my fourth) blog and I intend to attend this one with more care. I hope to post at least once a week if not once a day, but as with many aspects of my life I make no promises. But as this is my first post, I feel short introductions are necessary.

I have created this post in the name of Thomas Artusi. This is not my actual name, but feel free to call me by it. I have my own reasons for choosing a pen name to write this blog. I hope to attract not only the friends to this blog, but people across the world who don't know me as well. After all, I talk to my friends all the time, and they probably hear the majority of what I am writing in this blog in our conversations anyway. I hope to make many new friends here, regardless of what my name is. However, I believe that I should have some sort of identity on this site other than a vague title at the top of the page. So, I am Tom, this is my life, and welcome to it. I plan on treating the majority of my posts as free-writing, so I will be simply writing what is on my mind and I will keep writing as fast as my brain can go. So, if my thoughts seem scattered and my grammar is used poorly, this is why.

I am a student of a college in Minnesota. I am studying music education, and I hope to some day soon be the director of a high school band. I am a percussionist (or for those of you who are not aware of what percussion is, I play drums). Music is my greatest passion. I am a great appreciator of all the music that is available in this world, and i strive to connect to the wonder of musical expression.

I spend my spare time doing a wide variety of things, none of which I am particularly accomplished at, but all of which I enjoy. I am a huge fan of playing pool, which I believe I am fairly decent at. I am quite a nerd, and I play video games such as World of Warcraft and, yes, I play die-rolling based RPGs such as Dungeons and Dragons. I enjoy reading, and just chilling. Nothing matters to me more than my friends and my family, and I try to stay faithful to them as best as I can.

And now I am at a loss of what to say. Thank you for listening, and there will be more to come.