The Real Me

so, i've come back home for spring break, which is a nice break. i get to relax, talk with my parents and my friends, and actually watch tv. Most importantly i get to play music on my terms, when i want to, what i want to (even though some of what i'm playing is assigned, it's still what i want to play). i haven't been able to do this in a while, and it's very nice. i friend of mine in the online-world recently told me during a discussion that when you start doing something you love for a living, it's hard to love it when it consumes you so much. hopefully, i will soon be able to enjoy my music even more and i can get back to the place that i used to be musically.

today i was bored, and i started an account on a social network for world of warcraft players (i know, nerdy AND sad, but it's a hobby). i was looking around on my computer for a photo to upload to my account (and pretty soon i'll have one on here too), but while i was stumbling through my files i found some of my old instant message conversations, and since i was bored i decided to read through some of them. one of the conversations that hit me the hardest was a conversation between me and a friend, who i suppose i will refer to as....erin (first girl name to come to mind after the fourth dot). now, erin and i used to talk all the time, about everything, and this conversation (which i will date roughly to october of 2003, based on the fight i described having with my girlfriend of the time) demonstrated our friendship quite well. we began talking about our sex lives, make some small talk about other things, and then go on to talk about troubles in our relationships. she was talking about some asshole who she was seeing at the time, and how he didn't really want a relationship but wanted to be fuck-buddies. i offered her advice, telling her to sit down and talk to him (which she said wouldn't help since they had already talked about it), asking if she wanted me to talk with him about it (even though, as creepy as it sounds, i had never met the guy before), and when all of these ideas were shot down i suggested that maybe he wasn't the right guy for her.

now, i came up with two important insights from that 4 and a half year-old conversation. one: that i used to be a much more social person and for some reason that has been lacking lately. i hope that i can make more time for my friends soon, and i am really sorry that i haven't been as active with my friends. two: that this friend is possibly the woman that i have really cared the most about, aside from my mother and my sisters. i know it sounds crazy, i just all of a sudden realized how much i care for someone. well, it's not like i never considered going out with her or anything, because i did. but i thought it was more of a sexual attraction sort of thing. she was very attractive and was far more outgoing than i was, so i deemed her as, "out of my league," even though i constantly told myself that she was hitting on me (which i still believe she was). now, more than anything, i realize that i want to talk with her more, even if it just means being friends. more than anything, i'd rather talk with her than anything else.