so, i know it's been a while (as most of the people whose blogs i actually read have been seeming to say lately). summer has been fun so far, but it's been crazy busy, so much so that i barely have time to catch my breath. so far i've hung out with friends, played a few rounds of golf, tuned most of my drum set to what i want it at, and just in general been running around like a 6th grader. that coupled with the fact that i have to share my families computer with my sisters makes it difficult for me to sit down and vent to you lovely people.
sorry to start off a blog on a depressing note, but it this is the reason why i'm hear anyway, so i don't care. the other day i was at work (as a maintenance worker at a local golf course) when my boss asked if it would be ok for me to be bumped up from my regular position of odd jobs (which pays about $10 an hour) to mow some of the course for a day (which pays about $15 an hour, this is a position i am qualified for but have not been permanently promoted to because of my status as a college student and the months that i am not at work because i'm too busy studying). obviously i accepted, and the day consisted of me driving around the edges of the golf course on a rather clumsy mower and listening to such musical geniuses as cake, alkaline trio, and death cab for cutie (7 albums covered the day for me).
as i was mowing along, i started to think of my present girlfriend. i like her, but i'm not sure if i can fulfill what she needs. she calls me and i'm busy or asleep or something. in fact i think we've only had 2 conversations on the phone since we left school. she was in town last tuesday, staying for a night in a hotel so that she could catch a plane for where she's going to be working for the summer (veeery far away, that's all i'll i need to say). we met, got some dinner, walked around the mall for a while, which was nice, but at one point she made a statement that i should come visit her sometime this summer. i don't know if she was joking or not...but i laughed. it would cost a lot for me to go out there (which i don't think she realizes all to well) and we haven't been together long enough for me to feel obligated to do so. i had pretty much already made up my mind before she had even asked: no, i will not visit her as long as she is further than a 3 hour drive from me, which i don't think is all that unreasonable.
all in all, the issue i wanted to bring up is that i don't know if i am who she wants (or needs) me to be. she's fairly clingy, which is fine, but i don't want her to fell lonely or anything just because of me. however, one of my new policies is to not assume that i know what is best for others. maybe she's not crushed when i don't answer my phone (in fact, in all likelihood she isn't, but i like to exaggerate). the best i can do is hang in, and if she really has a problem with our situation, she can discuss it with me (and hope that she doesn't stumble across this blog).
i also got a chance to think about my previous relationship before this one and how i screwed it up. i was talking with my pal gringo while he was visiting my school about this relationship and said that i could not recall the real reason that we broke up (well, i know why i made the final call; she pushed me while we were having an argument, and any violence however small should not be tolerated in a relationship). gringo, in his very sage-like way, said that even though i don't remember the reason, there was a reason there when we broke up.
i think i have realized the real reason, though: i was only half-committed to the relationship. she was a rebound, no matter how much i didn't want her to be. the summer before i came to college, i broke up with the girl i had been together for over 2 years. she had found someone else and didn't want to admit it, so i made the call and broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she had already slept with the other guy. but i figured there's plenty of fish in the sea, and that's what college is for anyway: drinking and getting laid (completely forgetting that i am not the one-night-stand kinda guy). i went off to college, and after many failed attempts at finding a girl, i found one in february. she was just as nerdy as me, mostly into good music, and very attractive. now i can look back and see that i was always comparing her to my high school relationship, that i just went along with it when she said that we should stay together through the summer, and that i didn't really respect her as much as i should have. this is why i was so ready to break up with her; i was never really attached. it's taking me about a year and a half to realize that i was happier with her than i really believed, and if i had just gotten over my high school relationship sooner i maybe could have stayed with something good.
i just hope i'm not setting myself up for more disasters. i'll post more when i can.
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you've done something big here, something shows like Scrubs make you believe happen often but actually don't. essentially, you've just typed up your script for a closing monologue in the mind of j.d., but not in a cheesy recap sort of way. more like the closing monologue in one of the serious episodes, like where ben dies, or the one where cox accidentally kills like four patients by giving them donor organs infected with rabies (even though that one doesn't have a closing monologue because it ends on cox walking out of the hospital...wow i know far too much about scrubs...)
what i'm slowly getting at here is that you've discovered a reason for your own particular flaws. as is said in every rehab group ever, the first step is acknowledging the problem, something you've done here. you've done some self exploration, and you've examined yourself enough to target and label something you want to change. that means you're on the right course. all you have to do now is work on that, which isn't to say that doing so is easy. but it's a lot easier now that you know what it is you want to work on.
what i'm saying is you aren't setting yourself up for more disasters, you're setting yourself up for, to combine life with literature, self revision. just like the best essay is one that gets worked on over and over again and takes on many different faces, we too become better every time we can pick an element of our personalities out that we are unhappy with and do everything we can to change it for the better.
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