Surviving

Well, i've survived the first three weeks of class. I passed my jury and i was also accepted into my colleges education program, so i can graduate next year. And yes, i do put an emphasis on the word "can" in the last sentence because i realize that i still have another year in which i could mess things up if i'm not careful. But I am enjoying my victories as they come, which is part of the reason that i got drunk last night.

And I came to a pretty significant realization while i was stumbling around my friend's house. I am an RA, a Resident Adviser, at my campus. I have been an RA for two years now, but this year they put me in an upper classman residence hall, so i no longer have any freshman in my building. Recently, i've been slacking. Forgotten paperwork, putting off floor programs, and just being to busy to be around my residents. But I realized last night while i was in my alcohol-induced stupor that this isn't due to forgetfulness or bad organization or even just my busy lifestyle; it is because of apathy. I've come to just not really care about my job. My residents only enjoy about half the programs that i put on. No one needs advice about study habits or about how to deal with their roommate. I especially miss the livliness of the freshmen, who used to come to my door at 1 in the morning wondering if i wanted to watch a movie and eat pizza with them, or insisting on playing pool for 3 hours straight. This was pretty much my relaxation time. There is no excitement around here. I even sometimes find myself searching for a party going on in one of the dorm rooms, but it doesn't matter because half of the residents in my building are of legal age to drink, and the other half is smart enough not to drink in their rooms.

I think what i miss most is the challenges that the freshmen residents present. I remember counseling them through problems with their roommates or friends. I remember bringing a resident to the hospital when she cut her thumb so badly that she needed stitches. I am one who looks at a challenge as a chance to both prove myself and to learn something new. One night last year, an incident happened on my floor that i don't even feel comfortable speaking of on here, and i spent that whole night meeting with residents and just talking them through a hard time. I went to bed at 5am, and got two hours of sleep before class the next day. After something like that, i can look at myself in the mirror and although i am worn out and nearly in tears, i can at least think that it was all worth it, that my work as an RA matters. Nothing i have done this year has given me the opportunity to think that. And now i'm just apathetic.